home

  about s.a.m.

  abuse dynamics

  abuse effects

  the experience
  of abuse

  endorsements

  Josef Spiegel
  about the
  author

  wellsprings
  psychotherapy   & counseling

  resources

  contact us
  see below

  Buy the book
  from Amazon.com

Seven males with histories of childhood sexual abuse are introduced and presented throughout the book.

Nicholas, a biracial boy of seven:

Mama said that Terry touched me in my 'magination. That the blood was my 'magination, too. So when the social workers came and I said it happened in my 'magination, they went away. Mama hugged me, and Terry took us to Pizza Hut.

Kip, a 17 year old Caucasian male abused near his housing project:

I ate and ate, everything in sight that I could. It took a while, but then the fat started to grow. I wasn't running around anymore, playing sports or anything, just eating and eating. I started wearing really big clothes to make me look fatter. I didn't want anyone to see my body, or to look at me and think about sex. I hated my body. My body meant sex, and I didn't want anything to do with that.

Palo, a 22 year old Native American male abused by several perpetrators:

I never felt that way before. My head was spinning. I couldn't think. My heart was racing. I could hardly breathe. I couldn't speak. My body felt more and more like a rock. I was dizzy. My vision was blurred. Eventually, all I could do was smell. I knew one was on top of me, one was behind me and the other was over my face. I smelled whiskey and man scent. I felt like I was going to vomit. I thought I was going to pass out. And I did.

Matt, a 35 year old male incested by his mother:

It got worse. She would call me into her room after my brothers were asleep, half naked most of the time. I would run out of the bedroom because I didn't want my brothers seeing her that way. Crazy. She followed me everywhere. Outside. I didn't want the neighbors to see. In the basement. I felt trapped. The livingroom. I just wanted to fly away. "You're mommy's big man now," she would say in this creepy sort of way. I didn't know where to turn. She
made me drinks—high balls, she called them. "Yeah," I thought, That'll do."

Victor, a 39 year old Puerto Rican male, perpetrated by his father:

My mind was racing: "What am I going to do? What if the guys on the team find out? Can I kill him? Why is my mother always gone? Is he drunk enough to pass out? Does God see?" I had to get to the bathroom. I started out of the room but he threw the can and hit me in the back of the head. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He came after me, and I hear this big bang. I thought he stumbled against the door, but he was actually breaking the damn thing down. I opened the door.

Jake, a 45 year old father of three, on the verge of divorce:

It's so strange to think about this now, since all of this happened so long ago. Either I was a really good actor or people around me, relatives and strangers, didn't give two hecks about me. I mean, this awful thing was going on in my life and no one seemed to notice a thing. How could I be going so crazy in my head and nobody notice? How could I be spending so many late evenings at school and no one question me? How could I have walked through the halls of school, in the bathroom, going half out of my mind, unable to walk, and no one say a word to me? How could Father Simon see me day after day and smile, pat me on the back, do all of the things he did before and act so natural about it? Was this just me? Was I crazy as a loon?

Ty, a 50 year old African American male, on a life long quest for love:

I look to Rodney for help, and he just laughed. The circle got smaller and I tried running away but they caught me, threw me down in the mud and took my pants. I was so scared. Two got my arms and two got my legs and they threw me up in the air and I smash the ground. I tried not to cry but I did anyway.

They spit on me. Kicked me. Called me "cocksucker" and "fairy." They took their penises out and pissed on me. Then I didn't feel anything. Like a stone, I just lay there. I couldn't even remember my name. And that was only the beginning.

FROM THE AUTHOR

Alone, harboring secrets of his abuse experience, and lonely, isolating from others in order to protect them from learning his truth, SAM is orphaned from potential holding environments of positive self. Childhood sexual abuse transgressed his confidence in the integrity of adults; it dishonored his name, his innocence, his potential; it retracted his birthright to love and care. That sexual abuse occurred is the first harm. That SAM lives in a country and culture replete with socially constructed gender dictates banning his ability to recognize, let alone acknowledge and report his subjection to CSA, is the second harm. And, that others around him forsake their duty to protect, to intervene, to listen, to validate, and consequently, to offer hope for healing is the third harm. Thus, the trauma stems not merely from the act of CSA, but from the roots of its intimately related and resounding silence. Why is it, then, that adults rarely ask, why boys rarely tell? SAM knows first-hand.